Such a busy season. So many expectations. So many memories. Tender joys recalled. . .
And perhaps, at our age (for those of you on my side of 70, at least), some letting go, relief tinged with melancholy.
Our son’s family arrives in an hour or two to spend the weekend with us, with his sisters, nieces, nephew, and we’ll have lunch together — from one of our two favourite take-out places, choice yet to be determined. And from then on, the season’s rhythm will have its way with us. Resistance futile. Big early-Christmas dinner here on Sunday (before the islanders head home to their own tree) — Paul will do most of that meal, but I have an elaborate trifle to put together as well.
Christmas Eve at my sister’s for a large extended family (I have yet to make the three tourtières I usually bring). Then Christmas Day at a daughter’s. Oh, somewhere in there is a sleepover with a Nine and a Six, and I hope a chance for some snuggling while I read to them from my stash of Christmas books.
And at the moment I’m making up a couple of sourdough boules, last chance to stock the freezer with those before the kitchen is commandeered for all the seasonal eating!
It’s busy, yes, and you know exactly what I mean, because you’re busy as well. So I’ll try to keep this missive brief (ish!). In fact, I’ve committed to being done by the time my oven clock beeps that it’s time for another stretch-and-fold of that dough. . .
I need to say, though, that I’ve been struggling lately a bit more than I let on here. I am getting closer to sleeping longer more consistently, but not there yet, and I’m dismayingly prone to weepiness. Also prone to retrospective life-viewing that — in certain moods — leaves me feeling — despite, yes, achievements, good fortune, privilege, etc. etc. — a plethora of negative adjectives. The short version. Generally, within the same day I can conjure up the opposing argument and be convinced. Sometimes that’s elusive. I’m working on it. Also generally, it’s more up than down. Just that the down can be really low, and takes a toll that begins to seem cumulative.
Not to worry. I have resources, and I’m going to take full advantage. Someone to talk to. More sleep. Etc. This too shall pass (or I’ll learn how to better manage it).
But I wanted to offer that for context. Some greyness. The odd Black Dog wandering through.
And then yesterday I got the loveliest, most unexpected email from a new reader. Helen (who writes a blog of her own) has given me permission to share some of this with you, and I’d love you to read her first few paragraphs:
Good morning,
I came across this email address in one of your blog posts. I’ve no idea if it’s still working, but I thought I’d try…
https://www.materfamiliaswrites.com/2007/07/getting-started.html
I’ve come back to the very beginning with you. I can’t tell you how or when I discovered your blog, but I know that I re-discovered it recently. I was organizing, deleting, and cleaning up computer “stuff” and came to the file of where I’d put links to blogs I might like. One was yours. I honestly don’t know if it’s been hanging out there waiting for a year, five years, or a decade. But, I clicked the link and read a post… skipped around and read another… and another… Then thinking… I like this girl. I like how she writes. I think we could be friends. I’d finished my most recent book and was ready for the next thing to read. So, I went back to the very beginning of Materfamiliaswrites.
It’s kind of magical time-traveling type of experience to read a blog through. It’s written in present, now, this week, tomorrow… yet, it happened long ago. I love it.
It’s not often that I’ve read a blog through, but what fun it’s been to get to know you… become friends… although you’ve no idea, so it’s only on my end.
I may very well come back later to share more of the content and effects our email exchange has had on me, but that a complete stranger would take the time to let me know the value of words I’d written 17 years ago (she had finished reading all of my 2007 posts by the time she wrote to me, and she included in her email the comments she would have made on those posts were that option still available) — Such a Gift!
And her Gift allowed me to see my own gift(s) in a brighter light. Christmas is a funny time for thinking about gifts — it’s so laden with Gift-ing, but these days, those gifts are heavily implicated with capitalism, commercialism, materialism. Helen’s Gift came from that other Gift Economy and so it really resonated.
When I wrote back to thank her, I mentioned that my son’s family was coming today, and she commented, so far having known only my 2007 self, “Awww. . . ‘son’s family’ tells me that I’ll get to a point in the future (past for real, but future for me) where he and your daughter-out-of-law (maybe, or someone else) expand to a family!”
And Bing! another little gift, showing me the wonder of all that has happened in the 17+ years I’ve been writing this blog.
So yesterday, feeling the warmth of this blog’s ever-expanding community, I took myself out for a solo celebration of Me. Paul was at home vacuuming, I was on a mission to restock our tea supply (Tea is very important around here — just put that word in the blog’s magnifying-glass search engine and you’ll see what I mean. Here’s just one example), and I decided that Lunch for One was just what I needed.
Meandering sort of post, I know, but I suppose it comes down to Gifts and Connections. Connections AS Gifts. And sometimes that means connecting with our own gifts, even if it takes someone else to show those to us.
So thank you so much for the gift of reading what I write, of commenting, joining in and furthering the conversation, of being part of this community, some of you perhaps right from that very first post. Maybe wave a hand in the comments if you’re on of those early readers. (Special thanks to those of you who “Buy Me a Coffee” occasionally or even, some of you, regularly, and help me defray the cost of publishing here.)
My gift for you during this festive season would be to encourage you to See the Gift of You and to celebrate You. Take yourself out for solo lunch or perhaps a favourite walk, reminding yourself of your accomplishments. Might be hard to find time for that in the next few days, but maybe in that lovely lull between the 25th (or, if Boxing Day is a visiting day for you, the 26th) and New Year’s Eve, you will give yourself a few hours of whatever nurturing fills your jar.
And in case you’ve missed the other gift I’ve been sharing on Instagram daily through December, pop by there when you get a minute, and pretend you’re in Paris, enjoying all the seasonal decorations in the City of Light.
Best of the Festive Season to all of you, however you celebrate this time of year!
I’m going to take a bit of time away from the blog, but I’ll be reading your comments and looking forward to chatting with you again in the new year.
xo,
f
Your blog is a gift to those of us who read it! How special that someone would take the time to go back to the beginning and read the whole thing! Even more special that she let you know. When we put ourselves out there through our words and images, it’s always gratifying to discover that someone has been touched by them.
Enjoy the busy days ahead! I’m looking forward to some of those too, but I’m sure that when everyone has come and gone, I’ll be ready for some of that Me time too.
Author
Thanks for the kind words about the blog! Now those busy days are behind us — hope you’re enjoying your quiet time. xo
Best of the festive season to you too, Frances. Your post today made me cry. I’m not sure how long I’ve been reading but I think since 2011. I believe I found you via Une Femme, or perhaps Amid Privilege. I didn’t comment for years though – I couldn’t crack the old commenting mechanism – so I happily lurked and lapped up your island posts, your move to retirement (which happened a little ahead of my own and gave me hope that there could be a happy life post-retirement) and your move to the city. Helen’s beautiful email has reminded me that I too can go back to the very beginning while you take a much deserved break. You write so beautifully that I’ve long thought you should write a book, fiction or non-fiction, whichever pleases you most, that is, if it pleases you at all.
Thank you for telling us of your current struggles. Low mood at Christmas is very hard and is something I’m very familiar with, though this Christmas period is one of the best I’ve had for years. Missing my parents and other loved ones who were such a big part of so many Christmases is often a trigger for my melancholy. This year I’ve paid tribute to these memories by featuring celebratory foods from my childhood and using crockery and cutlery from items from the collections of my mum and mother-in-law, which has been very comforting. Sending love and hugs and warmest wishes for your mood to rise, just like your beautiful boules! xx
Author
Aw, thank you Maria — glad that the comments feature on this platform works for you — I would miss your comments very much! (and not only for the kind and encouraging words 😉
I hope you had a lovely Christmas and are enjoying this quiet in-between time (although that might have a different rhythm in your summer!)
Dear Frances,
Thank you so much for the gift of your wonderful blog! I deeply appreciate the whole range of what you share through your posts, and additionally the community you build by actively seeking comments, and responding to them.
As a person with a lifelong pursuit of various creative opportunities, I feel inspired by your creative endeavors every time you post. Thank you for the inspiration and the support!
Enjoy your family throughout the coming holiday season!
All the best to you,
Linda
Author
Thanks Linda! Isn’t this a great community?!
Hope the holidays went well for you and you’re ready for the new year!
I hope you are justly proud of the online community you have gathered. It’s an amazing thing and rare among the blogs I have read to find a blogger with so much to say that touches so many souls. To open your own life to the gaze of others is a brave and courageous decision. I hope it has paid off for you as it has for myself and so many of your other readers, judging by their comments.
I have a book recommendation to share, if you haven’t read it already. I just finished reading Lillian Boxfish Takes a Walk by Kathleen Rooney and the book and its author were surprise discoveries. If you haven’t read it yet, you are in for a treat.
Wishing you and your family a wonderful Christmas.
Author
Thank you Marcie! Kind words and thoughtful encouragement! And I’ll see if I can get that book from the library, based on your recommendation.
Wonderful post! I guess I’ve been reading/lurking since you lived on the island. That’s what fascinated me, as I also still live on an island. It was one of your bread making post that pushed me to comment….must be more than twelve years ago. It still amazes me how you got on a small runabout boat in the winter to get to Nanaimo. Chapeau madam!
I don’t comment often anymore, but please know that I read faithfully, all the comment as well…your last four month adventure was quit fun to follow.
Thanks for all the book selections….
Have a HAPPY AND MERRY!
Ali x
Author
Happy to hear from you, Ali, and also to know that you’re quietly here much of the time — you know I still have my little island in my soul, and I’m happy to have friends who still enjoy an island culture.
Happy New Year!
Your blog is such a gift. Thank you.
We’ve recently just experienced our second bout of covid and it has thrown us. Initially all went well but then we went down in a heap and it seems to have taken ages to get back to ourselves. We’re still struggling with energy.
I’m not a long time reader but I have loved going back through the archives. I totally agree with the sentiments expressed by Helen. Reading your posts made me think we could be friends (and even as I write this, I am cringing! But I think we should be able to say this beyond primary school!)
I’m sorry to hear you’ve been struggling (and I realise you have so many strategies in place) but I would just like to add my thoughts…having the chance to meet up with you in Rome was a highlight for me. Your creativity, wisdom, humour, truthfulness are beacons for me.
Perhaps the extended time away adds to this malaise? It happens to me after the initial ‘yay, it’s so good to be home.’ I don’t mean to trivialise the greyness. Take care and happy Christmas Xx
Author
Oh Genevieve — no cringing! of course we could be friends (if we aren’t already — that was such a good visit! I mean, if bonding over aperitvo in the Borghese Gardens doesn’t make a friendship, something’s wrong 😉
Awwww… oh my goodness…
What a surprise to read, scroll, and discover my own words. It touches me that it meant something important to you.
(By the way… I’m living your 2010 now… the baby is simply precious.)
Author
Ha! Yes, she’s a very precious baby indeed 😉
And they did indeed mean something important — thank you!
A lovely post Frances. Your comment of relief mixed with melancholy is just how I feel. It seems such a short time ago that the grandchildren were small, my partner was still with us and the tree large and surrounded by presents. Today as I write this it is snowing outside and my mini tree is lit. My daughter will host the holiday this year, adult grandkids home for a short time before returning to their grown up lives. I will make a batch of my pecan bars, a favorite from the past. I can remember taking two days off work to make batches of cookies, seemingly not that long ago. I have had to let go of expectations, of myself, of my family and friends and of the season itself. It has taken me a while to get here, and I am probably not all there yet. But I do feel so grateful that I am still here to take in the season, whatever form it takes.
I think I began to follow you just as you moved to the apartment. For a long time I did not comment, Happy to be part of this community.
Wishing you and your family the happiest of holidays.
Author
It’s an adjustment, isn’t it? And life keeps requiring them, somehow. . .
But as you point out, still much to be grateful for. . . I can’t believe we’ve been in the city eight years now, so you’ve been following for a while — I’m very pleased that you have become a regular commenter in that time — your wisdom and willingness to share experiences is a big part of what makes this community!
Frances,I hear you.It is a wonderful post,sincere and authentic (as you always are)
The end of the year,darkness,exhaustion after so long (and beautiful ) travel……too much good stuff could be,well…too much,overwhelming. You will be fine
Thank you for sharing such a lovely mail- we all need people and letters like that in our life. You are an amazing and gifted woman and writer
Merry Christmas and the best of the festive season
Love,
Dottoressa
Author
Aw, thank you so much, my friend! You’re right, of course, that much of what I was feeling was in reaction to all that travel, to being back home etc. I’m feeling much better now.
I hope you and yours had a very good Christmas and
I wish you Happy New Year
xo,
f
One of the reasons I enjoy your blog is that you don’t pretend that everything is wonderful all the time. Even when we lead our lives in the full knowledge of our comfort and privilege, melancholy can seep in from time to time. It doesn’t surprise me at all that a little of this has followed such a big trip. I find it happens even after a two week holiday, that can be enough to discombobulate me!
I, too found the story about your new reader quite moving. I still have you bookmarked on the first of your blogs that I read and it kept me coming back, it was November 2015 and called Paris Windows and the Liminality of Retirement. And there you had me – Paris where I lived in my youth as an au pair and the use of the concept of liminality in a blog. I hope you enjoy whichever bits of the festive season that you do!
Author
Ah,I remember that post — coming up to ten years ago! So we’ve been chatting for almost a decade now. For all its faults, the Internet allows us to build community where we might not expect it. I’m happy to have you here (anyone who uses one of my favourite words: “discombobulate” 😉
I hope your Christmas is every bit as good as you deserve Frances & I’m sure it will be . Thank you for all your work here & very best wishes from York over to Vancouver X
Author
Thanks, Wendy! and a Happy New Yew to you!
Thank you for all you share all year, the good, the bad and the middling! Wishes for your holidays to be comfortable and enjoyable for you and, as always, for good health in the New Year! Read on!
Author
Those are very good wishes — thank you! And I promise I’ll keep Reading On. . . (you should see my coffee table right now. . . and my office desktop. . . and my nightstand . . .
Have a merry time and restful nights. The light is returning.
Author
That is such a good comment — the perfect wish, if granted: “a merry time, restful nights, returning light”! Thank you! (I’ve been sleeping much better lately, but last night the fire alarm sang its piercing song, ruthlessly, at 2:30 a.m. Joys of living in a multi-residence building — there was no fire! )
Hmm, ‘we’ retired in 2015 (more or less, for me and I think you as well the stopping-work date and official retirement date were different) and we were talking for what seems like a long time (years) before that. I remember discussing the books I was reading on the bus in the old book blog. So, so much good conversation over the years…thank you!
In the vein of celebrating Me, it is Sunday morning, my day for an indulgent breakfast, and I have had torta frullata all’arancia along with fruit and yogurt. This cake involves throwing whole mandarins (or oranges) into the food processor along with other ingredients…a Christmas gift to self (with some served to guests as well lol).
Author
Yes! I’d forgotten that we retired about the same time. I’ve struggled a bit with that decision but it seems quite distant now and I’m quite content with the freedom now! (Those old book blog posts got folded into this one — we did have some good conversations, and I sometimes think I’ll find time to make up a backlist or two ftom those).
Torta frullata all’arancia — I was trying to figure how the “frullata” and the “torta” would work together, but I get it now. I use to make muffins that had a whole orange (with dates, I think, and coconut, and raisins, and walnuts — and a percentage of whole wheat so that we called it healthy and ignore the measure of oil 😉 — Yours sounds like a breakfast I could be happy with! Tanti auguri per un buon capodanno!
Happiest of holiday seasons, my friend. We will be two only here for Christmas. But that’s just fine. At times I wish we had decided to drive down east for Christmas, but really what I’d prefer is to drive east and drive right into Christmas 1999. And find that all those whom I cherish and who are now gone would be not gone. But as Inspector Thursday says on Endeavour… “Musn’t grumble.” Things are good, lovely, even. And we are very lucky.
Thanks for all you do here on the blog. And in the world. xox
Author
Don’t suppose you’ve been watching Shrinking on Apple TV, but there’s an episode in which the Harrison Ford character has to pretend disappointment that his daughter has to cancel plans to host the Thanksgiving dinner so that her father and his partner will no longer be able to travel to visit them. Let’s just say that he is not very convincing in his grumbling (fist-pumps at the idea of a quiet weekend, just the two of them) — Thought of you and Stuart. And I’ve seen your posts on IG, the gorgeous x-country ski conditions, then home for tea and food and fireside and books.
All the best,
Happy New Year,
xo,
f
I absolutely love your blog and I appreciate your honesty and vulnerability most. But of course I love the travel, the what-I-wore posts, and especially the book reviews too : I so look forward to your book recommendations and those of others in this community you have created. I have been following you for more than 10 years, although I took a little time off from blogs in general somewhere in there.
Totally understand the dark feelings this time of year – I have been doing a bit of holiday moping over some family we’re missing this year as well as some difficult relatives who will be here haha.
I hope you have a wonderful Christmas and New Year!
Author
Thanks Murphy! I’m honoured you’ve been coming back for over a decade (good to take time off periodically, as well — trying to figure out how to pare down my online time)
Ha! Yes! Sadness over those who are absent and fatigue with those who are all too present!
Happy New Year!
Dear Frances,
I am late to the party, as is often the case 😉, but this time I will comment, even if late. As so many befor me said, thank you for giving us your thoughts, your pictures and insights in your life. You show me things I understand and things I do not, but the latter does not matter at all. That you have some connection to my homeland, Croatia, makes you even more precious to me. I will keep wisiting your place here, to learn from you. As I said before, you are my role model 😊going into the third part of my life.
Author
Never too late, dear Zagorka, and your kind and thoughtful words are very much appreciated. Not sure I should be anyone’s role model, but it’s good to have a few walking ahead of us into these last adventures 😉