A week ago, we were at our son and daughter-in-law’s house in a city across the Salish Sea where the weather was just heating up, still pleasantly. . . .
Trying to resolve some marital tension without alarming the young folks, I stalked off to hike up a local hill. Pater chose to accompany me, with very little encouragement on my part. The opposite of encouragement. shall we say? (Perhaps your marriages or partnerships don’t include such moments. Congratulations, then!)
Mother Nature was still playing nice last week, and although we were sweat-soaked by the top of the hill, the walk back down through ample shade was pleasant. And the Ocean Spray (Latin name Holodiscus discolor; other common names “Ironwood” or “Creambush”; Read this interesting article to find out about the many uses indigenous peoples have for this shrub) was resplendent!
By now, especially in this exceptional heat, these gracefully arching, creamy-white clusters of dainty flowers will probably have turned brown.
But they were splendid last week.
And I won’t say they mended the marital rift, but they gave reconciliation a big nudge.
It can be harder to find these nourishing moments in the city, especially in this daunting heat. Yesterday, at the beach with a Six and an Eight, we caught a few.
And a day or two ago, having forced myself outside for a brief walk, this thoughtful gesture at a park often frequented by those with little access to domestic comfort. . . So much we take for granted.
And really, we should all be able to take decent drinking water for granted, shouldn’t we?!
I’m also pleased to live near a Community Centre that offers cooling stations to any and all. I saw this sign this morning when I popped into the library to pick up a book.
Finally, an anecdote for you.
Pater and I sat in shade outside our building yesterday, waiting for our son-in-law to drop the grandkids off so that we could take them to the beach. At 9:30, it was already close to 30C on a day that would see many Canadian heat records broken, a day that was expected to be the peak of this heat wave, although we were, for the moment, quite comfortable on our bench in the shade.
A woman about my age, approaching the building, smiled and commented on what a “Nice Day” it was. I sized her up a bit, fleetingly — tightly curled (possibly natural, looked more like a perm), greying hair (more salt than pepper), pleasant if uncompromising looks, glasses with forgettable frames, nondescript skirt (navy polyester?), practical subdued floral top, surely washer-dryer friendly. I’m sure she helps at church suppers, and is probably a good neighbour, house-proud, quite likely pitches in for family and community — as I smiled and noted that it was “a bit too nice for me.”
Aha! The opening she’d been waiting for. “Imagine!” she said. — everyone was talking about how hot it was, but it was often hot back when she was young. . . she offered details, occasions, memories, and I smiled and said that “Yes” I remembered hot days as well. But that the days she and I remembered were not as hot — and certainly not as hot in June, for such a long stretch without cooling rain. Because she seemed “nice,” and we were, after all, three strangers making small talk about the weather, I kept my tone friendly, light, conversational. But I did point out that clearly the weather was not as we’d known it in our youth — proof being that, the preceding day, a Canadian record set in 1937 in Saskatchewan had been broken by the high temperature in a small town only a few hundred kilometres away (and that record would be broken again the day we spoke, in the same small town — 47.9C!).
By now, her daughter, laden with a laundry basket, other odds and sods, the building fob dangling from her hand, came up behind to wait patiently for her mother to finish. Clearly used to conversations of this sort, she seemed torn between an impatience to get herself and her mother inside and up to her suite — and an oppositional impulse to allow strangers to absorb some of Mom’s energy. As well, more experienced than we could have been, she knew her mother was just getting started; there would be no easy interruption.
Sure enough, our new friend continued. Only momentarily disconcerted by the evidence I had cited, she repeated her argument that we simply forget how hot it was in the past, and from that, she quickly launched into a commentary about the gullibility of young people, and the way that gullibility, that insistence on the reality of climate change, denied her wisdom of experience. Even worse, perhaps, (she didn’t say this, but it was a reasonable inference) it denied her toughness for having lived through it all.
By then, Pater and I (okay, more “I” than Pater; he recognizes futility more quickly than I do) had made a few firm but friendly interjections in favour of Science. We’d pointed out that reliable weather records “remember” for us, far more reliably than our anecdotal and subjective memories. Throughout, I was careful to maintain a solidarity — even a kind of sorority — between us on the basis of our age, maternity (I agreed with her that it had been tough being pregnant in those hot summers of decades ago. I can’t imagine what a heavily pregnant woman is experiencing this week here in the PNW). But she was impervious to Science, to fact, to logic, and so we smiled and wound down the conversation, letting her daughter get her mother inside, out of the heat of the “Nice day.”
“Stay cool!” we dared to suggest, as the door was closing behind her. . .
And I wonder at the forces of denial that would accuse younger generations of gullibility and foolishness, that would exalt one’s own fortitude and “wisdom of experience.” rather than accept what the mercury is clearly telling us. Honestly, yesterday afternoon, after we’d dropped the grandkids off after our beach outing and I sweltered inside, feeling the apocalyptic vibes, I could understand that impulse to deny. As my friend Lisa tweeted yesterday of the contrast between overheating, non-air-conditioned hospitals in the Pacific Northwest and “beautiful ” weather in Northern California, “it’s easy to ignore weather crises unless they are outside your front door.” And apparently, with some contortions, it’s possible to deny them even when they are.
Today’s news, though, is tough to deny. I wonder whether she bothers following it. Does she see it all as “fake”? 49.5 degrees, another Canadian record for hottest day ever, a third day in a row. 134 sudden deaths in three days, likely to be attributed to the heat.
What an impossible post to conclude, truly. Except perhaps to say that it’s a beautiful world (that Ocean Spray, the pathway down the hillside) and a threatened one, both. That humanity is capable of sensitive and thoughtful responses, individual and collective (that cold water; the air-conditioned safe space in the library). And perhaps there is room for optimism in our interlocutor’s desire to engage on this question. That may be too hopeful a spin. But I could channel her energy. Remember our collective toughness, the wisdom of our lived experience to acknowledge, rather than deny, the need to move quickly to save our world for our children’s children. And theirs. . .
Of course, I’m entirely heat-addled and possibly imposing coherence prematurely. You tell me. Go on — I’m keen to hear your thoughts. And with any luck, our weather will begin to cool, slightly, beginning tomorrow (although we now have an Air Quality Advisory to think about).
I commend you for being able to write so cogently and cannot now even attempt to respond in kind because
“The heat has either melted my brain, reality itself, or both.” *
(Today’s Cartoon in Daily Humor, emailed to subscribers by newyorker@newsletter.newyorker.com
on 29 June 2021)
* After living without air conditioning through 3 days of unprecedented extreme heat in Portland,
culminating yesterday with an official high temperature of 116 ̊ F/46.6667 ̊ C. We have never before, in
our home for the last 36.5 years, needed air conditioning.
Author
That’s a horrific temperature, isn’t it?! More like something I’d associate with, say, Death Valley! I hope you’ve cooled off today, as we have.
I have had my share of flouncing off, up a hill, or into the house. Like last week when we arrived home from our camping trip and my helpful directions for backing up the trailer into the driveway were NOT appreciated. Ha. I am so bad at directions and I know it. Your anecdote made me hoot. “He recognizes futility more quickly than I do.” That made me chortle. Stay cool, my friend. XO
I join you in having the marital discord, Frances. 🙂 There is a sisterhood in that, is there not? 😉
Right now, I’m on a much needed Girls Getaway with my 94 year old mother, two sisters and their two daughters. My two sons and their wives are caring for Dad in my absence. One son and his family are visiting from Seattle and are glad to be in cooler temps in Southern California. What irony!
We “girls” are all heading home after five days of laughter, endless gabbing, delicious food and some retail therapy. One sister/daughter combo heads to Northern California, another to Indonesia (works for U.S.State Department/Foreign Service Division) and my mother and I return to Southern California. We have not been together in two years…too long away from an elderly mom. We are refreshed and thankful for this time!
Stay cool (despite ill-informed conversations) and comfortable!
Author
I’m so happy that Girls Getaway worked out so well for all of you. Yesterday would have been my mother-in-law’s 94th birthday — how lucky are you to have a mother who can still have fun gadding about with daughters and granddaughters! And to be able to gather with all your family!
Author
Flouncing, hooting, and chortling. . . our language has so many good verbs, doesn’t it? We really should use more of them more often. Thank you!
Hope you soon have cooler days. Been thinking about you as I read about the temps in PNW.
Completely understand the marital aggravation issue. I’ve been trying to wean my DH from his dependence of me doing all things–making his doctor’s appointments, following up on issues with lawyers, taking care of all financial dealings, contracts, etc.. Don’t get me wrong, I like to be in control (see, I admit it), but there are times when it simply ticks me off that everything (except the cars/lawn) seems to be mine to accomplish. Forced him to contact his doctor himself for some records he needed–only took him two months. 🙂
As for the lady-in-denial, you have more patience than I do. Especially when I am hot. Was 41c here yesterday and will be again today, but the difference is that I have a/c…something we need here about six months of the year between heat/humidity/pollen. Completely sympathize with those without the ability to cool off at any point in their day. Talk about a recipe for marital discord.
Author
It’s better today, although a bit of rain wouldn’t be amiss.
I like to be in control as well, but I feel your legitimate irritation with having to take all the administrative responsibility! 😉
Beautiful photos and gorgeous plant….it seems similar to Elderberry
I’m checking temperatures in Ca daily after you’ve sorted out Canada climate for me
People who haven’t marital or partner tensions from time to time must be in denial!
As well as with climate changes in global or regional patterns-it is so crazy and alarmingly dangerous and I don’t think I could be so patient as you were,in your conversation with ladies in a different kind of denial
I can only admitt that I was more resilient in “old”days than now (both for the heat and ignorance)
I love your library as a cooling centre
Take care
Dottoressa
Author
The flower clusters are as frothy as elderberry, but Ocean Spray has no fruit (the birds love the seeds though).
I have to admit I was very frustrated with that woman — her kind give our age demographic a bad name!!
Isn’t it great to see how many ways a library can be important to citizens? Reading keeps us cool!!
Marital discord happens to all, and if it doesn’t, well, someone is in denial. I crave time alone after too much togetherness – like being on a boat for a week. We will both take the dinghy out on our own and slowly paddle around an anchorage for an hour or two. Bliss!
I don’t know why anyone would deny the science of climate change/extreme heat records broken/validity of C19 etc. Your patience with continuing the conversation is admirable.
Today is much more pleasant here, and I hope it’s the same for you. A cool breeze is blowing gently now at noon.
A provocative post. I also cannot understand those who would deny the clear evidence of science around climate change and also those who will not get vaccinated or wear a mask. I find myself biting my tongue as those who hold these ideas really are not open to discussion.
Today is promised to be the last day of the heat wave here in New York, also some much needed rain. I try to walk daily but yesterday by the time I decided to go out I thought better of it. Today I did get out in the morning. I am very lucky in that I have ac. I try not to use it but these past few days I probably turned in on more than I did the entire last summer.
I find that too much togetherness makes me irritable and Brian is volatile. What a pair!
The page you shared on Instagram seemed to be linked in a way to your exchange with the “denier lady”. The fact is that the recent temperatures are the highest ever recorded. A memory of hot days in childhood is something remembered without details.
I find myself becoming frustrated with people who present their memories or opinions as facts. Perhaps I’m just getting crabbier as I get older. Who knows?
I am so appreciative that you share a broad spectrum of your experience as a long-married woman. Thank you.
And that woman must have had to work hard to convince herself in fact that the climate is not changing. I always wonder about the psychology that find the truth worse than the effort it must takes to delude oneself with so much determination.
Author
You’re welcome! And thank you!
Isn’t the denial strange? Determined delusion, yes!
I like the way you described that lady, beginning with her looks and moving on to her probable role in her family and community. It is obvious she does not want her world to change – and to the worse, but who does? She may still come round to admitting that there is a real threat and that we have no choice but to change our ways. The process from denial to doubt to acceptance to personal consequences is different for each person. I just remeber how a few years ago we talked about “retail therapy” and showed each other our new purchases, and today we “shop our closets” and investigate antique mending techniques. The movement away from “fast fashion” and towards more sustainable habits has been faster for some and slower for others, but it is real.
Author
Thanks, Eleonore. And I think (hope, at least) that such thinkers may eventually change. I guess that’s why I bothered to engage at all and to try to do it respectfully, but then backed away. Time. . . .
Rather a strange marriage that has no disagreements ? Either very boring or someone is in the underdog role . In long term relationships communication is key , good or bad . We have our share of that too .
Interesting conversation with that passerby – wonder if she’ll get to read your blog ! It’s hard to know how to respond in that situation. I guess it’s our duty to spread the word but it’s rather tiring to have disputes even with total strangers . You seem to have kept your head .
Author
Luckily, we have more good communication than bad, but I’m with you that they both have a role in long-term relationships. At the very least, if you can’t tolerate the bad with the good, you’re unlikely to make it to long-term 😉
And yes, it’s a tricky balance, trying to educate a wee bit but not exhausting oneself in wasted efforts!
Your neighbour’s confusion of personal “memory” with fact shows the urgency of teaching critical thinking early on. Depressing to sense a closed mind so close. No doubt she never has marital discord either…
Author
So true!
And HA! re the marital discord 😉