I began writing this post yesterday, didn’t finish it, and this morning, honestly, I wonder if it’s worth continuing. We’ve covered this territory before. But, also honestly, it’s what’s I had yesterday, and if it’s a recurrent theme perhaps it’s worthwhile to show that. Process, you know. . . And real life. . .
And also. In the interest of simply getting something posted today rather than beginning from scratch. . .
Feeling on the verge of being overwhelmed this morning (Not experiencing Overwhelm, however; in my Oxford Concise, this is not a noun, and I’m not interested in acquiring it as such. Just saying. . . With a big Hmfff. . . Curmudgeon-style, in case that wasn’t quite clear 😉
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| Last weekend, forest-bathing on a birthday walk. . . Antidote to Curmudgeonly Behaviour |
Why slightly destablized?
It’s all about the 9:30-10:45 Yoga class. A Rise’n’Shine, although I’ve been risen for three hours by that time, and perhaps as shiny as I get for another two. Still, it’s a practical hour for many, and if it doesn’t suit me there are a variety of pre-recorded classes available at the studio site, with all my favourite instructors. And it’s not a bad time most days. This morning, though, it didn’t suit as well. Yet I stubbornly wanted to make it work. . .
At the same time, I have a very noisy roster of activities I haven’t found time for this week. And they don’t feel like “Shoulds”; they feel like “Musts,” to use the terms by which Elle Luna distinguishes those tasks we feel obliged to do and those driven by passion.
This blogpost falls somewhere between Should and Must, if I’m honest, but the Blog overall is still a Must (i.e. I do it for me as much as for you–the Must–but I need you to be here for there to be a Blog at all. . . which means posting somewhat regularly, the Should), and I knew I’d feel better if I posted something today.
And I wanted to sketch something — Do you know that I haven’t added anything to my little sketchbook (in which I’d committed to sketching a daily page during Covid Confinement) since May 13th?! And it’s the 22nd today! (Saturday morning comment: I did sketch something yesterday and posted in on Instagram.Yay!)
As well, I’m happy stitching up face masks. Such an easy project — and so meaningful — to get me back at my sewing machine for the first time in decades (save 15 minutes testing it after a conditioning back in 2003 or so, when I thought I might start sewing again; then another hour or so helping my g’daughter stitch a few projects a year or two ago).
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| First visitors we’ve had since early March. . . My daughter settles in to read the Five the picture book I bought him as a Welcome Back to Nana’s gift. He’d already listened to me read it. Thirst for books! 😉 |
I’m also happy for the time and online resources to work on my French and Italian. I can easily spend an hour or three on the couch with my latest book. I find contentment in mixing up a bowl of muesli for our week’s breakfasts or building a couple of sourdough loaves through a number of steps over several days.
Generally, I balance that satisfaction and comfort and contentment of activities I Must or Want To do, with a few Shoulds it would be silly to ignore for very long: I Should exercise, for example, even when I’m not driven to by passion, so that I’m fit and healthy enough to pursue the activities more likely to light my proverbial fire).
And generally, in fact, the Should of exercising has become something of a Must; despite the effort and occasional discomfort, I enjoy my walks or such running as I can manage. I take pride in being able to lift heavier weights for more repetitions, and lately, yoga has been bringing the Chill and the Deep Sighs as it stretches out hamstrings that have sat for too long in an online Zoom class, as it reminds me what it is to breathe deeply, as it offers mantras and techniques to still my churning mind. . .
But this last week, my birthday folded two very welcome visits into my schedule, and then yesterday I added an (also very welcome) outing with my husband to wander our local botanic gardens and admire the stunning spring blooms.
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| More forest-bathing, same birthday walk. Good timing to see native plant Foamflower (Tiarella Trifoliata) in bloom. . . . |
Here’s where I picked, on Saturday morning, from where I left off on Friday. . .
Here’s a belated, recurrent insight: even the most enjoyable activity, when added to my schedule (and yours too, I suspect) will displace another activity. Sometimes that other activity will be consciously taken out of your schedule to make room. Might be a yoga class, might be half an hour listening to a French podcast. Sometimes the other activity is one you might not recognize as such. Time to daydream, time to text back and forth with a friend, time to fold laundry slowly, time to sit for a while with your cup of tea staring out a window. Simple physics, really. Even in quantum physics, as I understand it, we might be living parallel lives, doing different parallel activities, but we don’t do them all, at once, in the same life.
And you know what got squeezed to accommodate in mine? Time to putter. . . .
Some sketching time, yes, although to be fair, even though I didn’t add pages to my mini watercolour journal, I did spend time drawing that infernal hair clip. And I did a couple of Zoom classes in botanical watercolour. The real casualty, though — and I didn’t realize this until yesterday morning — was my puttering time.
I could easily have taken that yoga class yesterday, at 9:30-10:45, and in many ways I would have felt better for it. In fact, I couldn’t understand why I was bridling so forcefully against it; I argued against myself, rehearsing the obvious benefits — fitness, calm — and the need for discipline. I came back with some convincing rebuttals, however. Sure, I hadn’t taken a class since Wednesday, but there would be a class I liked on Saturday. Or I could stream a pre-recorded class at my convenience. . .
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| Meanwhile, the Seven settled in with her new book — I got her Volume Three of Harry Potter, as requested, because she’s caught up in those adventures, confirmed for life as a reader, it seems. Perhaps even thanks to Covid-19. . . |
So I skipped the class for one day, and reminded myself how much I need stretches of unscheduled time. My husband tells me that what I do with that time still looks busy. From my perspective, though, it’s a necessary luxury to be able to play with that busy-ness as I wish. To flit from making the muesli to cutting out a few face masks to sitting down with my book and a mug of tea to scrolling through my Instagram before heading out for a walk, French podcast in my ears, coming home to lunch and a nap. . . right after a bit of Italian homework. . .
Revelation? As I puttered from one activity to another yesterday, my muscles began to relax, my fascia to soften, and my breathing to approach Shavasana levels. . .
Of course, this tension between Scheduled Time and Puttering Time connects to earlier posts thinking about Slow Fashion and Mending, my thinking about how we integrate travel (there, then) with being at home (here, now), my thoughts about snail mail vs. the instant communication technologies. . . But for now, I will just tell you that I enjoyed a beautiful yoga practice this morning, only a day later.
Photos throughout are of the “disrupting activities” occasioned by my birthday last week (a-ha, is that why I’m so concerned with Time?!) — visit with one daughter’s family, at our place. . . and a visit with another daughter’s along the trails of a forest park nearby. . . .
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| Ferns unfurling new fronds, heads like comic aliens. . . .Same birthday walk, same forest-bathing. And no, sadly I don’t know which fern this might be. If you do, please tell me. |
In case you’re wondering, I unfurled my yoga mat this morning for a Rise-n-Shine class, and I’ve found time for some puttering besides. . . As well, in case you’re wondering, I’m very aware of how fortunate I am to have these choices in how to spend my time. Just pointing out that for some personalities — and obviously, your mileage may vary — some choices are easier to make than others, and finding the balance between discipline and freedom poses its own challenges. . . Can you relate?
Meanwhile, since I’m talking about one aspect of Time, here’s another. A little visit courtesy of The Way-Back Machine. . . . Amsterdam, dinner in the park, May 2012 . . .
Happy Weekend!
xo,
f
For some people, just the idea of having something scheduled ruins its pleasure; for others, "shoulds"–especially those imposed by work or family but not necessarily important–get in the way unless there is a scheduled time for oneself.
Personally, I despise exercise. Hate every second. Even Pilates. But I love how I feel from exercising. I love that it makes me sleep better. I love that I can run up flights of steps without getting winded. I don't exercise for the sake of exercise. I exercise for how it enhances my life.
Time is so precious yet we waste so much of it. Crazy!
It is because you are a Renaissance woman,with broad interests and many talents,so accomplished in a lot of things,with so many roles to play…..
During the physical (not social ) distancing,my days were completely fulfilled,even without work and going out. I was so pleased with the slower way…..now,I realize that there are so many choices to be made,not to allow anybody,especially me,to drag me back in a whirlwind (and I've just made a Freudian mistake and wrote whirlworld….it is a whirlword although it is not a word) of activities…..
The magic word is Balance…..I like to plan…but,than there are others,too.
I've just skipped the Spica Sunday coffee (see,I'm so good and making sacrifices ;-))-the first one after the deluge……or corona…or earthquake…
Dottoressa
After a lifetime of being highly scheduled it's no wonder that we find it confusing to have this free-form multiple choice. I too am struggling to find a routine that I like. Pilates is my indoors exercise salvation.
A French song on the passing of time that you might like, if you don't know it already. Good video with it too. "Le Temps Passe", by Lady Sir: youtube.com/watch?v=KhBAiHc1hzc
When first retired at 67(now two years+ in), people often asked me what in the world I did with my days. My response? Whatever I damn well please. Finally. Off the hamster wheel of 12 hour days–commuting, meetings, business travel, etc., etc.. Wasn't intended as a rude response (at least, not entirely), but was a little tired of people seeming to want me to justify my existence once out of the workforce. Still refuse to be boxed into a concept that busy equals productive. Or worthwhile.
Reduction of the 'shoulds' enhances my life. Obviously one cannot eliminate them entirely, but examined a bit more closely, perhaps there aren't quite as many 'shoulds' (of value) as we imagine. It helps that I stopped giving power not only to external critics, but also to my own (sometimes noisy) internal critic. Realize it may not work for others, but it helps me.
We seem to be each finding our comfort level in this new world. For me, I prefer tasks that result in accomplishment. Keeping busy is important. Vivid dreams are more frequent too. I've heard this is common among many today. Susan
The unscheduled time stretch is amongst the most important ways to increase flexibility! 🙂 And as soon as I saw the bottom link I knew it would be the loveliest restaurant in Amsterdam (IMO!)
Simply said, your posts touch home so many times and I very much appreciate your candidness on so many aspects of your life (feelings/reflections/emotions). I envy your expressive writing ability but I envy more your serious commitment to engage in several different interests no matter the time you have available. You are one super woman who is enjoying life to the best it can be especially at this time. Thank you for your honesty! Janie
I love Dottoressa's descriptor "renaissance woman;" wish I'd thought of that! It is so perfectly apt. I'm at the absolute opposite end if the spectrum actually and in awe of everything you do.But I think as long as you find enjoyment in it all, that's the main thing. As soon as any activity becomes a chore, then it's time to rethink. Temporary disenchantment with something is allowed, of course!
Frances in Sidney
Figuring out who we are and what we do when very little is strictly required is a life task. I think I wrote a blog post once saying I thought it would be great if we could retire when young to understand our real rhythms, and then work when old;).
Taste of France: It's so personal, isn't it? Since I was young, I've always had considerable family responsibilities, and a busy roster of lessons and work and skill-building was a way of keeping time for me. Puttering's always been harder to justify.
I'm curious: by exercise, do you mean focused cardio or strength-training or do you also include movement — i.e. a bike rider or hike or walking with friends or alone?
Dottoressa: whirlworld — yes! That's the danger! I hope we can learn from this time what speed we want our lives to be at and how to keep the dial set where we need it. Already, there's a push to get back to Normal, and not only does that seem too early, but as well, I'm not so sure Normal was the best place to be. But spiča would have been a sacrifice indeed! Well done, you! It will still be there when you're ready.
Linda: I'll look for that song/video — thank you! Pilates is such a good workout, although with all the garden work and hiking you're doing, you hardly need it.
Mary: Our inner critics can be much worse than the external ones, and if you've learned to still or to ignore yours, then Brava!
I clicked on the Amsterdam post – what a fabulous experience that meal must have been! And your descriptions… made me want to get on the Way-Back Machine and enjoy that very same dinner.
Susan: In fact, I just saw something about a Crowd-funded project for a film about the more vivid dreams many are having these strange days. . . .
K: Right? I need my puttering time, fallow time, as a foundation for everything I do, especially for nurturing creativity. But I keep forgetting that lesson (the meal, though, that was unforgettable — thanks so much for telling me about that beautiful place)
Janie: I'm so glad you enjoyed the post, and I thank you for all the kinds words. I'm definitely not a super woman, as you'd see if you looked in all the dusty corners of my home or saw the tears that sometimes get shed. . . (on the other hand, why am I setting up "cleans scrupulously" and "never cries" as the markers of excellence 😉 My Bad!
Frances: Or we could say "Jill of all Trades; Master of none" . . . . my interests are broad, yes, my curiosities far-ranging, and I have a toolbox of good-enough skills. — not sure that makes a Renaissance woman, but thank you! I'm not sure we're as far apart on the spectrum as you think — readers unite, right? 😉
Lisa: Yes. Except that we learn what we know through the doing. And even retired, I'm still figuring it out — Insert Shrugging Woman emoji. . . . The one thing I learned through my years in grad school (and this mostly pertained to writing a decent paper, building a strong argument) was to trust to process. Truthfully, I suppose I'd learned that from about five years old onwards, through all my years playing piano, struggling with a new piece at the outset, then gradually, with much practice, becoming proficient at performing it. I will probably always doubt myself IN the process, but I am grateful that I do have a record, built over a lifetime, of the ways that process does yield serviceable results. And probably will again.
Shoulds and musts are far more dramatic during this COVID shut down. During 'normal times' the musts are part of the daily landscape – things you must do that leave little choice and block out the shoulds. Now with one day much like the next, the shoulds play an equal part of the day. Some days are filled with energy to take on all the musts and throwing in a few shoulds as well. Other days, shoulds are the dominant and sometimes an effort even to complete a should. Although it seems alien for folks like you who have led a very active, involved, committed life, these days, the equality of shoulds and musts is a new normal. I am one of the lurkers who long ago should have reached out to tell you how important this blog is. Thank you
CarolPres: Is was such a memorable experience — if you're ever in Amsterdam. . .
AnnCarol: It's so true — this shutdown/slowdown has thrown so many aspects of our lives into relief.
Thank you so much for coming out of your comfort zone to leave a comment. I've done my share of lurking as well 😉
Love this post, your ruminations on puttering, and your struggles therein as well. I have long known that puttering is the key to everything and yet I struggle. I also like that your spouse notes that your puttering looks awfully. busy to him. And isn’t that just it? the freedom to do or not do, to just explore without a predetermined desired result. I’ve been puttering with the same issues but without the same eloquence of thought. Thank you.
Sharp intake of breath: visitors •in your home•… lucky! We can't have that, yet. A son came for dinner on Sunday, the current requirement is that we eat outdoors (balcony), at distance. He is permitted to go to the loo, but not (as Chief MD said) "…not stop on the way back to chat in the kitchen". Your photo looks like "before" by comparison.
What has fallen away is a list (other than groceries.) And "overwhelm" as a noun: no siree! I feel the same way about "architect" as a verb. Happy belated birthday!