Monday morning, and, as promised, I’m introducing what I hope might become a new series here. The idea comes from a reader — “A. in London” — who proposed that members of the blogging community who meet here regularly might get to know each other better and contribute content to the blog by answering the Proust questionnaire. And A. in London offered to get us started.
Before I let her introduce herself, I should make sure that you know what the Proust questionnaire is. Apparently originating in a 19th-century parlour game that asked the participants a series of questions, it got its legs through Marcel Proust’s responses to the questions, discovered posthumously. A bit of Googling will show you that there are many deployments of the questions now, as writing exercises, for example, or, more famously perhaps, as a kind of interview with celebrities. Vanity Fair magazine, in particular, asks these questions each month, choosing respondents such as, in the last months, David Chang, Judith Light, and Nancy Pelosi.
So now that you know what the Proust questionnaire is, I will just tell you what I asked “A. in London” to do as the first volunteer in this series — and some of you, I hope, might email to let me know you’d be willing to contribute to a future post. I asked A. for a brief introduction, so that other readers will have some context, especially if they haven’t been reading here long enough to know her through her comments over the past several years. A. has provided a rich introduction, which I know you’ll find interesting. Let me quickly say, though, that future volunteers could be much more circumspect in what they share, and a Brief Bio of fifty to one hundred words would be just fine.
Here’s A. in London, in her own words:
The eldest of 3 siblings in an unusually complicated family structure.There are now only 2 of us, my sister and me. We call each other Skin and Bister- Cockney rhyming slang for sister. What I oddly always think people know about me when we first meet, (and in a small town believe me, many do), is that I ran away from home at 15-and stayed away. Rarely think of those facts these days, but how could it not have been the defining moment of my life? How can I not be thankful that somehow encoded into my DNA was the resourcefulness and strength to orchestrate my escape at such a young age? It was a complicated plan. The one and only miracle in my life, (not expecting others, this one is enough for several life times), is several months after running away, a young-ish couple, who knew me through work, adopted me. How could I be anything but awed, that they saw in me, a young person who had fled the exact opposite of heaven, who was driven to thrive despite the early life impacts, was a person worth reaching in for and pulling her to safer ground? It was a miracle, it is a miracle.
I am a creatively driven person who hails from Maine and now lives in London where I emigrated 8 1/2 years ago to be with my British sweetheart. An anglophile since my early 20s, am fascinated by English culture, feel at home in London, miss it when living in Maine, but realize increasingly just how thoroughly American I am. The current divisive, alarming political climate aside, I am proud to be American. At 15 I did not realize these things: that I could disapprove or question my government’s actions and policies at times and that could co-exist with what I felt about my nation in my heart and soul. Why America the Beautiful is not our national anthem is beyond me. It is a love poem if ever there was one.
My passions are enduring ones: art expression of others, in all its forms; creating rooms or whole dwellings to suit the individual who lives there even though it may not be my taste, finding the positive-the route to order from chaos, and believing with enough hard work and willingness to keep the perspective wide and not myopic, I and those I care about and for will prevail I will help anyone who will also help themselves, (vital), believing absolutely in the inherent decency of most people. But, ask anyone who knows me, I do not suffer fools and will put the brakes on if, more than twice, someone misunderstands my kindness for weakness. I can still say that 3 of my high school teachers had such an enormous impact on my life that I can still feel today. They modeled how to be an adult and taught me life lessons, along with Social Studies, English and French.
The other prevailing passion is the law and its workings, which do work far more they they do not. As a litigation paralegal, I worked in 8 areas of law for 28 year, mostly freelance, for a a few lawyers. My daily reading and listening are to articles, books, testimony and analysis of the law. My former secretary, a very, very close friend,and I, discuss such matters over the phone, over text and over a beer. We are often certain we could try the case better; we see what the prosecutor of defense attorney is not seeing, which is plain as day…we get quite into it!
For other self-employed work, for decades, while a paralegal, I developed and ran my own floral design business for large events and simultaneously an interior design business, ( a few commercial projects, but mostly for homes), which I still do ( the interiors). Yes, I have always worked a great deal, hope that is always so, but self-employment is a bit of family trait, as is portfolio work. The small town I am from in Maine is on the cusp of a lot of wealth and the economy is somewhat seasonally affected as we are close to a number of beaches and tourist attractions. I am by no, no means the only person who works in this area of New England who works in this portfolio sort of way.
All during this period above, and currently, I have taken on property management projects for individuals in 3 countries. This began in my early 20s when one of the lawyers I did work for turned his property portfolio over to me and told me to manage it, as he was far too busy chasing woman to focus on chasing contractors and renters! Discovered, after being thrown in at the deep end, that I had an aptitude for it and began doing it freelance. That continues to this day, too.
A short prayer is an instructive reality check for me which I say daily. While I am not, or never have been, a member of AA where the prayer originated, a former boss was, and if nothing else, he taught me this prayer: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can…. and the wisdom to know the difference”.
My biggest, disappointing failing within myself is, after years of saying this daily, I still, very often, too often, struggle mightily with the wisdom to know the difference.
Now that A. in London has introduced herself, I will tell you that I sent her the full set of questions you can see if you click on the link in my second paragraph, above. Initially, I’d thought I might devise questions of my own, but the 35 questions from the classic have elicited some marvellous responses over the decades, and for the time it would take to come up with new ones, I doubted I’d do any better. 35 questions, though. That’s a lot to ask a(n unpaid!) volunteer to answer. . . .So I suggested that A choose about 20 questions and answer those (and you can see that she did that in her own order). I also asked her to add one question she’d like the next respondent to answer and to add (and answer) one question she wished she’d been asked.
And here are her questions and answers:
14. Which words or phrases do you most overuse:”Isn’t it possible that…., “I realize that, but….”, ” cluster-f^&k”
6. What is your greatest extravagance?
Hands-down, fresh flowers in 3 rooms weekly, candle light every evening, ( I even travel with tea lights and matches) and regular massages.
8. What do you consider the most overrated virtue? 100 per cent self-sacrifice in aid of others. Believe there is a reason, prior to take off, we flyers are instructed to put our air masks on first before helping others.
12 What quality do you like most in a man? Humor, emotional intelligence and the ability to roll with it.
13 What quality do you like most in a woman? Sraightforwardness, an easy laugh and sense of the absurd; the ability to call me on my sh*t in a loving way. Tough love when needed.
18 if you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? My inability to sleep; have been an insomniac since age 9.
15 What or who is the greatest love of your life? Outside of friends and family?- Eric Clapton. Have seen him 28 times in 3 countries since I was 15 years old. He was even included- humorously- in my wedding vows.
20. Where would you most like to live? London. I am with Samuel Johnson… I am neither tired of London or tired of life.
28. Who is your hero of fiction? Norah in a book from the 40’s, I think, called the Pink House by Neila Gardner. It was the first grown-up’s kind of novel I read that I got from the town library. Think I was 10 or 11 when I first read it.
31.What are your favorite names: Martine, Theadora, Layla, Charlotte, Elizabeth..mostly old-fashioned names.
34 How would you like to die? Easily. Never knew until in my late 20s just how hard a process it is, as all the systems shut down. A total shock when I witnessed it the first time.
19 What do you consider your achievement? My resilience despite early trauma and a great number of huge traumas every 7 years or so since then. My resilence is buoyed by an inherited ability to seek out humor-it is a saving grace-and the encouragement from so, so many important people to always express myself creatively. I require that outlet.
35. What is your motto? “The wise restraints that make men free”. I think it was Emerson or Thoreau who said it. The personal interpretation of it was the core of the application to the very progressive college I went to. What I would give to have access to what I wrote back then! It had to be 5 pages; I sweated bullets over it. It is a saying which has informed quite a lot in my life.
29 Which historical figure do you most identify with? Anne Frank, without doubt. First read her diary at 11, have since read it probably 15 times, seen 2 plays about it, read countless books about her other extended family members. In my mind’s eye I can see their apartment where Mip secretly brought them food and supplies. One day I will visit that place in Amsterdam, but I have told any one I might be travelling with that I must see it for the first time on my own so I can feel all the emotions the place will evoke in “private” to absorb them properly.
23 What do you consider the lowest depth of misery? My life-long answer has been this one thing: being a single parent. I have not been a single parent, but I know no other individuals I admire more if they are struggling to provide and navigate the hardest job in the world without the help of a co-parent. Their efforts are worthy of a medal.
24 What thing do you most detest? In no particular order…smoked salmon ( it is a texture thing), humidity, injustice, snakes and our increasing tendency,( in both cultures I live in),to not hear each other when we are listening to each other. It is vital that we hear if civility and kindness have any chance of survival.
22 What is your most treasured possession? If we are speaking about material things I would say an original, numbered (31 of 100), Picasso ceramic. He is my favorite artist and the piece hung in my best friend’s mother’s dining room. I loved it from the moment I saw it at 17. It meant little to my friend, I tried to buy it, she had it valued by Sotheby’s, told me I could not afford it and besides, she said, it was in storage and would be difficult to find. 4 months later, on my birthday, Fed Ex truck showed up with a very large package requiring my signature. In it was the Picasso ceramic.
The question I would like to ask the next person: What song do you hear and instantly feel 16 again?
The question I wish I had been asked: What music do you want to be played at your funeral?! I am a planner, I like to create atmosphere, she said in her own defense. I have told my sister, in case my sweetheart predeceases me. She insisted I stop being morbid, but did write them down! I see it as clever planning- not at all morbid. The 2 songs are Holy Mother by Eric Clapton. The version is on youtube. It was recorded live in Hyde Park maybe 20 years ago. Best guitar solo in the world. The second is Tennessee Whiskey ( I know! Not appropriate!) because I love the melody, the guitar and everyone knows my classic tipple is Jack Daniels and ginger ale with a slice of fresh orange. That is Tennessee- known thw world over for its whiskey (bourbon). But, i am specific…must be the version from 4 years ago, on youtube, by Chris Stapleton and Justin Timberlake. Do not love country music, but adore Chris Stapleton’s voice and guitar playing. See? Not morbid!
Thanks so much, A. in London, for this idea to bring a new energy to my blog and for being willing to answer these questions to launch what I hope might become another series here.
Readers, A. has agreed to answer questions and respond to comments (and I’ll be in the background, reading and facilitating as necessary. Let us know what you think. Your turn at the mic.
Oh, and Happy Monday! Hope the week’s begun well for you. . .
I so enjoyed reading these answers- so wise and vital.
Look forward to more contributions.
I enjoyed reading this- great questions followed by great answers.
I look forward to future contributions.
On another note, Friday evening at the VAG was crazy busy. I looked for you but with all the people never saw anyone I knew!
Hope you enjoyed yourself in spite of the crowds 😀
Thanks for posting.
Suz from Vancouver
It was so special as well as A,in London is special indeed ,I've enjoyed reading it-great idea!
Dottoressa
P. S. I was in Anna Frank's room and one of my funeral songs will be "Tears in Heaven"
I do have a question. I find it very hard to be proud to be an American (at least one from the US) at this time. How do you continue to believe that decency will prevail? Each day I wonder if there is enough left of our institutions and trust in each other for that to be true.
Janet and Suz from Vancouver, thank you for your reply and happy you enjoyed reading my responses. Janet, that you found the responses "wise" is surely a fine compliment.
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Dottoressa,I am touched by what you said and oh how I would enjoy hearing about your time in A. Frank's room. Excellent choice of song by you-I approve! When I first heard the song on the radio, I was distracted by a traffic jam and thought I did not like it, then I heard in properly-live- a few times, with my brother and sister and it changed my reaction totally.
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Lynn, I hear your distress; can understand what you are saying. While I am not Pollyanna-the-glad-girl, by any means, I have had too many experiences, in many setting where I see inherent decency displayed by people I cross paths with to casual acquaintances, to tradesmen and women, to family and friends to not believe the rancor we see now will flare and die; the pendulum will eventually stop wildly swinging and come to rest somewhere in the middle. I just know most of us are good; we want good and we will create good. Have been hugely encouraged by so many teenagers speaking up and acting on convictions these last few years. All this gives me hope. What helps immemsely, for me, is to read enough to be well informed, but not to bathe in it.
I wish I could meet A. I think we are very different, but kinda the same. I wonder if she’d like me as much as I already like her.
Dawn
PS The song I want at my funeral is Jesus, Friend of Sinners. Not the old hymn. The newer version by Paul Oakley. Can be heard on UTube.
Dawn
What a fun forum for getting to know other bloggers. A, you sound like a strong woman who has overcome much difficulty. Anne Frank has been a hero of mine since childhood, too.
What a great idea for a series. Lovely to meet you, A. Wonder which small town in Maine you're speaking of… being from New Brunswick I probably know it. Many in my family are almost "Mainers"… including my brother. We lived so close to the border that the nearest hospital was "across the lines" and he was born in Fort Fairfield, Maine instead of Perth-Andover, New Brunswick where my family lived at the time.
P.S. When my mum was a single parent of four, she had the "Serenity Prayer" in a frame on her bedside table. It helped her get out of bed each day. Thanks for reminding me of that.
I absolutely agree on the extravagance of fresh flowers.
May I ask why you link single parenthood to misery? I have been a single mother for the last 28 years and have experienced the challenges that come with this situation (and the circumstances and people making things even harder for me than they already were), but "misery" is a term that would never come to my mind when thinking of this time. On the contrary: the decision to have (adopt) my son – alone – was the best I ever took in all my life. there has not been a single moment of regret.
Dawn-Have just listened to your song choice and can see why maybe you chose it. Have just read about the artist, too. The article was more about analyzing his guitar playing skill, but reading it I realized he is English. Have never heard of him, so through you, I learned something new…and a bit about you, too. Thank you.
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Lorrie- Thank you for your comment- I really appreciate it. So interested to know she has been a hero of yours, too. My 7 year old godchild has a book, The Big Book About Important Girls and Anne Frank figures large in it. Only learned recently that my mother's hero from childhood is Helen Keller-which fascinates me, making me wonder why I never knew that before.
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Hello Sue B. I love your stories about your childhood on the farm and how you grew to accept and love your mother's husband who helped you have and enjoy your life on that farm. Those are my very favorite stories you tell. I am pleased that those wise words about serenity brought forth that lovely memory for you about your mother.
I am a Mainer from York County, way at the bottom of the state. Love the idea that your brother was born "across the lines". What a great expression! We do not come from Downeast, as my grandparent's generation would say, but still my mother and her brother have a sturdy Maine accent. I and my siblings do not. Someone who married into our family is from Presque Isle, just across the line, from Canada, where she grew up having days off school so she could pick potatoes. P.S. I have printed and saved the post you wrote about your brother's death. It was beautiful in its own right, but has resonance for me. Thank you, Sue.
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Eleonore-I can fully imagine that the idea of misery would never spring to mind in your experience of raising a child on your own. You happily chose to have your son and would imagine, the second he arrived, you rejoiced in the creation of a family. What I was meaning is for those who never intended to have the experience of solo parenting. From where I sit, it seems the hardest job in the world, even though for many, many, the most rewarding job in the world. But, when a parent walks out seeking greener pastures, is put in prison, succumbs to addiction or dies, leaving the other parent and the child behind to adjust to choices they did not make, it is a whole other can of worms. My work as a paralegal involved, among the 8 areas we worked in, child custody, visitation and support and protection, where I witnessed the struggle and fallout for the parent left behind and the confused child, far too often used as a pawn. One parent leaves and too often, the single parent who has the physical custody, has fewer options about jobs if they do not have adequate childcare. They are suddenly living on a vastly reduced income and, in too many cases, fighting for fair and regular child support from the other parent.That is what I am speaking of…as I said, they are heros, in my mind, deserving of medals. I recognize that your experience was and is different as you chose adoption. Still, I applaud you for having the courage to do that on your own.
A, I have always valued and appreciated your comments on this blog, and a few others. It was good to meet you. I raise a glass to you, bourbon naturally, and agree about Eric Clapton.
Ali
What a wonderful introduction! I am with you on the fresh flowers and candlelight. It's also refreshing to read your optimism about the US. I hope that the pendulum does come to rest somewhere in the middle. I wish that for the UK and Canada as well. I am passionate about defending the middle and compromise.
My funeral song will be "the Morning Fog" by Kate Bush.
I admire your bravery and tenacity in leaving a bad situation and am heartened that that lovely couple chose to adopt you and support you. What a gift.
Oh and that last comment was from Brenda of the Island (channeling my L.M. Montgomery even if the island is the Vancouver one!)
Thank you, A, for sharing a piece of your history and some of your thoughts on various subjects. Wonderful how the responses provide a little more insight about you and your other comments on Frances’ blog. Not a blogger myself, but I thoroughly enjoy the commenting discourse on blogs like those of Frances, Sue, Annie and others.
Your remark about equating misery with single parenthood has a ring of truth to it—especially as you have subsequently framed various situations you have observed in your work in a response to another comment. I’m not up for any medals, but for seven years I was the single mother of four (ages 1-10, in the initial year). Won’t go into details, but we all survived and mostly thrived (in their late 30s/40s now). Were there were times of pure misery when I wanted to run away? You bet. But I couldn’t. I just focused on making sure they knew at least one person loved them unconditionally, even when they might not have been acting terribly lovable. Each of us has our own battle scars from that period. No one comes out of that kind of trauma unscathed. But I will say that while I wish they had not experienced those tough times, they learned to be deeply compassionate human beings as the result of dealing their own pain. Give the medals to my children.
Again, thanks for sharing yourself so generously in your responses.
This is so thoughtful and rich in experience! Your three areas of work, florist, paralegal, property manager, reflect such a broad set of capabilities and so much energy. Thank you for contributing here.
Hello Ali-I appreciated you raising a glass of bourbon to me, and appreciate more still, your appreciation of Mr. Clapton. So, a mutual appreciation society we have going on here…thank you!
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Brenda of the Island ( I like your"title") I'll meet you in the middle! Compromise is an art, a skill that can rust if not oiled often enough, in my opinion. I observe some people in public office recently, just a few, pushing in the right direction and that gives me further hope. And look at this community here…we are surrounded by good people who want and push for good things. Thank you for your complements. Have never, ever listened to Kate Bush's music, in fact, never knew of her until about 5 years ago.Just listened to your funeral song-like the tone it sets. Good choice!
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Mary, Thank you; I am glad you appreciate what I shared. Wow, lots of years with 4 very little ones on your own. So heartening to hear the result of it all is that compassion exists in them. I would give yourself a good deal of credit for modeling that for them. What deep relief and satisfaction you must have for making 4 people know they are unconditionally loved. Happily I would give the medal to them as you suggest, but I am certain they would hand it right back to you.
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Lisa-Thanks very much for thinking and saying what I wrote is thoughtful. Suppose it is and it is something else…quite out of character for me to be so open at once, but, as I explained to Frances, I have grown to feel freer here than I might in other settings as time has passed, I feel decency abounds among other commenters and it is still dawning on me that if I am hugely curious about almost every human I meet, why wouldn't a few, in the right setting, feel that way about me?
When the Internet was being born and everybody thought only of what wonderful things it would bring, this is what they had in mind.
I loved learning about A, especially the very personal things that are not of the ilk that someone could use to track her down. Not factual stuff but essential stuff. So different.
There is one problem, however. If others are anywhere as interesting as A., then there will be a clamor for a Materfamilias Family Reunion or something, because it would really be delightful to meet such women in real life. Are you up for event planning?
I am going to reread A's answers before I go to bed. Lots of food for thought.
Thank you–both of you!
Don't mind me. Just eavesdropping here, and I'm so enjoying reading your responses to A's post — and A's responses to your comments.
But just to answer a few comments addressed to me: Suz, I'm embarrassed to say that I didn't get to Friday night's event, deterred by that fierce wind . I'm glad to hear that it was very well attended despite the weather, and I hope that I get to meet you some day.
Taste of France: Isn't it great?! I'm hoping there will be other readers willing to take on the challenge in future. And I love your idea for a Meet-Up. Who knows? 😉
Taste of France- Now there is a good idea if I ever heard one…a reunion! Had a good chuckle over that. "Not factual stuff, but essential stuff"…I am pleased you read it that way. It is this essential stuff I love learning about people most of all; once I learn it, I never forget it. Autobiographies are my favorite books, always have been. We are all fascinating creatures, of that I am sure. Everyone has lived an interesting life, in some way; it has enriched my life to make a study of that.
Have just gone to your blog, did not know you had one until just now. Will now read with interest about your turn toward a vegetarian way of eating and so much more in your archives. Thank you for your warm and generous comment.
I enjoy reading other people's answers to these questions – had no idea Proust was involved – and also coming up with my own responses. The result is mostly surprising.
Hello Annie- the answers to the questions are often very, very surprising. As Frances mentioned, the Proust questionnaire appears monthly in Vanity Fair magazine. I immediately turn to tne back page and read that month's answers from someone I either "know" or have never heard of. Either the Sunday Times or the Observer has A Day in the Life feature at the back of the Sunday supplement and that is also the first thing I turn to. Maybe you've seen that?
A.in London
Great idea made a great post. So good to get to know other bloggers this way.
Givi: I'm glad you enjoyed it — if you ever thought you'd be interested in participating, I'll happily send you the questionnaire! My email is fsproutATgmailDOTcom. . .
Hello Givi, Thank you for your comment, which I am late in seeing. Just realized you have a blog; read with interest about your intensive yoga training a short while ago. I admire your determination to delve deeper in the study of yoga. Nice meeting you!
A. in London
Shockingly late to commenting! What struck me most about your responses to the questionnaire is how well you know yourself. That seems a very desirable thing. Did you find it easy to have decisive answers to all the questions? I think I would have to fumble around for some of them. Lovely to 'get to know you'!
Hello Linda B. It is good to meet you, too. Thank you for your comment. Probably fair to say,having to negotiate big conundrums, in pre-teen years, in preparation for fleeing, is what inspired/enforced critical thinking skills for me very early. The circumstances caused me to weigh and re-weigh what was right, good and possible for me when so young. The comment I heard from most adults in that period was how strong-minded I was. I HAD to know me as I saw it; I had only me who was going to make my plan work.
Additionally, the father who adopted me at 15 taught all his children to marshall an argument; he took pride in playing the devil's advocate to get us to flesh out and support our point-of-view. Sometimes, he, of course didn't love my speaking up and once,as a 16 year old protesting in high school, I refused to stand and salute the flag with everyone else. The school phoned home, he was called in, he told me off for being disrespectful. But, secretly?, I think he was proud of me for knowing my own thoughts and acting on convictions I had at the time. At first he was annoyed as he was patriotic, but not long later I realized he was proud of, if not my beliefs, then with me knowing my own mind.
A.in London
I am very late to reading all of this but I should just like to say Materfamilias what a wonderful idea it is and how much I have enjoyed reading all the comments. I hope more of your followers are encouraged to take the plunge and respond to the questionnaire.
And A in London thank you for your generosity in sharing so much of your story and making such full answers. As others have said I am impressed at your self awareness, broad width of life experience and humour.
A real life reunion would be fun and life enriching.
Ceri in London
Hello Ceri,
You may not see this response as my reply is so late due to a very ill mother the last half of my trip to Maine. But, I appreciate your observations and compliments very much. My "broad width of life experience" has prepared me for the scary time my family is suddenly experiencing, and, as always, humor eases the strain. My mother loves to laugh at herself, which helps us immensely.
This whole idea of a reunion is intriguing, isn't it?
Thank you, A.in London