Later next week, I expect I’ll be sharing my impressions of Edinburgh with you — what to blog about is always so much easier to decide when travelling. Right now, though, I’m feeling considerable ambivalence about what I’m doing here. I wonder if this has to do with having completed a first draft — 240 pages! — of a memoir of my life with and as a mother, a memoir instigated by my mother’s death five years ago. So much emotional work went into that writing, and I’m pleased enough with having at least finished a draft. I’m not at all sure, however, that I want to do anything more with it; I am sure that I want at least a few months completely free of it.
In the meantime, I’m sorting out what I want to be doing here on the blog. I’m thinking about how much I’ve enjoyed the continuity of working on a longer-form piece, even though I’ve sometimes struggled to keep my pen scratching out a minimum 500 daily words. I have several other longer-form projects in mind, two that I’ve even opened files and deposited words into — heck, I even have chapters!
But I’m feeling less urgency to write as a sort of replacement for my work identity. Because I’d have to admit that this need to define myself in the initial disorientation of retirement was another factor in drafting a memoir. I’m not sure whether that urgency has lessened because I did actually pin many words into a functional structure that a discerning reader or two found promising or if it’s simply lessened because I’ve now been retired for three years. Or because, after two years in our new home in the city, I’m taking French classes and enjoying the occasional water-colour drop-in and signing up for Creative Mornings and art workshops. . .
If you’ve been reading this blog for any time at all, you’ll know that I’ve never lacked for activities, that boredom isn’t a problem here. Gardening, bread-making, knitting, reading, baby-sitting and spending time with the grandkids, nurturing friendships, maintaining fitness through yoga or strength training in the gym or running. . . Travel, of course. . .
And I think that perhaps drafting the memoir was also about imposing some discipline on that potpourri of interests and activities. An attempt to be more than just a “jill of all trades”; an effort to master one.
Honestly, I’m just thinking this out, right here, right now, on the screen that you’ll be reading soon. What occurs to me, though, is that I’ve spent so much of my life deprecating this “too broad” array of interests and competencies, so much time deflecting praise by demurring that “yes, I’m pretty good at that, but compared to This or That or So-and-So, I’m not really . . . ” Most of all, I’ve spent enough time earning external validation — four sets of letters I never use after my name, for a start. And if I ever do edit my memoir into something worth publishing, I’d like to be sure I’m doing it for reasons that have nothing to do with bolstering identity. Ditto anything else I might want to write. (Never mind that I also think I make a better reader than a writer)
All of which thinking-out-loud is prelude to an explanation and apology and perhaps even a manifesto about what strikes me as considerable unevenness to this blog over the last few months. If I’m going to carry on posting here — and I think I’d like to: despite some reservations about the commitment involved, I love the community here and I think that some of the discipline of regular writing as been good for me — IF I’m going to keep posting, I think I’m going to keep being uneven. I will probably keep posting journal pages — I like the way they let me do my writing off-screen, to capture a looser mood, a different rhythm, less linear, more personal and more physical.
I’d like to post more often, more photograph-focused posts, but I’m not sure how that would work given that I really enjoy Instagram and don’t necessarily want to duplicate across platforms.
As well, I began this blog as an antidote, really, to life “in the academy” — where a “life of the mind” often devalued the quotidian domestic. Lately, though, I suppose I fear that too much emphasis on that daily home life fortifies a social vision of the post-menopausal woman as Just Another Grandma. And happy as I am to be a Nana, I don’t love contributing to reductive stereotyping. Nor do I love the way the quotidian domestic can take over, in the absence of larger goals and/or values. But I do want to surrender a bit, to “retire” from the need to define or to prove myself; I want to let myself try something new and then give it up if I want, or put it aside for a while, or continue to do something rather badly. Truly, one of the biggest joys of the sketching I do is that I have so little expectation that I be good at it — it’s such a release!
I’ll be curious to read your thoughts and responses to this transition I’m feeling at this stage of retired life, of blogging life (11 years!) of parenting and grandparenting and being a Senior. . .
And because you’ve read this far, and your eyes would appreciate some lighter fare, here’s a journal page from last week. I won’t bother with transcription for this page, but let me know if you need help reading my writing — and if you’d prefer that I transcribe any writing on any of the sketches I post.
Well, how very timely. Literally minutes before I opened this post, I was drinking my tea and gazing out at the morning and thinking about maybe doing a post about getting older and how there is no rule book and nobody knows how they should be living or what the expectations are…and on…and I think this post of yours is a case in point. I for one would miss your blog if you cut it back, but it is entirely up to you. I like the fact that I am not sure what I will see when I click on it – sketches or photos or stories or what-I-did – and that contributes to my interest. I have given up on some blogs over the past months because I know what I will see there and I have seen it before or (frankly) they live a life that does not interest me at all. And I understand the need to write something after years of working, a way to do something that has substance. Uneven is good; perfection is dull. Warts and all, as Cromwell so wisely said.
The thing I enjoy about your blog is the diversity of the topics and the introspective elevation of even everyday activities. (And the good grammar.) People tend to polarize the intellectual and the ordinary, with those favoring one ignoring the other. But if I make my family's dinners from scratch, and if I garden, it isn't out of a desire to return to a 1950s lifestyle but a political act of defiance against industrial food. To me, the 1950s weren't idyllic but a nightmare of racism, sexism and pollution.
You phrase things more gently, perhaps because Canada is a saner place.
Like nohatnogloves, I always look forward to seeing what is in store with each new post from you, and like her, I appreciate substance.
Please carry on being random – uneven – however u phrase it
You’re always interesting. ( **main factor !!)
I think there’s a ‘thought’ one must deliver and curate – and I’m completely comfortable with uneven postings and have valued your post retirement musings
I never think of u as another grandma !!!
Yes, random please….your way with words elevates all of us. We need blogs such as yours. The books, the receips, the sketches, real life…we are all getting older together.
Ali
Do whatever feels good to you. It's your blog!
While I of course would love to see your memoir in its next phase, I would also wholly understand why you might leave it lie. Such a personal piece. And for the blog, if we can't make our blogs be only and exactly what we want them to be, well, let's just say I applaud all your choices:).
Interesting timing. I too am feeling unsettled for no reason really – it surfaced quite unexpectedly…. I guess that's one thing about having the time to be introspective.
I am going to try to be more aware of where I spend my "14 hours a day". I thought I might make a concerted effort to engage in the following (at least every other day) : creative, physical exercise, housework/gardening, learning, reading, social.
I really enjoy your blog and totally support any change you do.
And that's the beauty of choices, they can be tweaked or abandoned if they are not working!
Hope this comment is understandable because after reviewing, it is not very well written.
Suz from Vancouver
Yes, your comment is definitely understandable, Suz, and thanks for sharing it. Good to know I'm not the only one. And you make a good point about having the time to notice the feeling — when we were working, we had to push that aside and just keep going. Now that we have more time to be mindful, it's tougher to ignore.
You are such an accomplished woman,with so many interest and things to say-why has everything to be perfect? Your blog is like a box of chocolates-always a couple of surprises-and I enjoy reading it and would miss it as well as the community here,but the accent is that it is yours,to do what makes you happy
I've mentioned it before-I find your diary pages lovely and could imagine the (picture) book potential in (a little bit edited )
Dottoressa
I can understand why you should feel this way . Have a break , enjoy Edinburgh & see how you feel . You can do whatever you feel like doing – though you’d be much missed if you left us , you are a sane voice in a sometimes crazy world .
Wendy in York
I am trying to write something on my great grandmother and grandmother who began their professional acting careers in the 1890's (grandmother as a small child). Great-g supported herself until her death as an actress even after her husband ran off with a vaudeville girl. I just can't get started,so I really admire what you have done. Random is fine — aren't most lives that way?
Your great-g's sounds like a life well worth writing about!
I like reading your handwriting.
Still thinking about the rest. The gardeners are back. Oh the mud. 🙂
So many good comments here…I can only suggest you be gentle with yourself re: self-imposed obligations (to perform or behave in a certain way, vs activities maybe?), and I think that's what you're saying here 'to "retire" from the need to define or to prove myself'. Like everyone else, I'm always glad to see your posts and hope you are comfortable continuing, with a frequency and topics that suit you. 🙂
I did think about you when I left the handwriting on its own. 😉
Please keep going with your random selection of interests and thoughts which I enjoy very much. As a now 2 year plus retiree who has never had a moment to quietly assess how I want to spend the rest of my life (demanding family commitments took over from a busy working life) I admire your selection of interests and activities — and hope to be able to emulate you soon before it's too late!!
Ceri in London
I hope you get to that freer space some day . . .
Your blog reflects your personal style, talents and it is never dull…I can understand that you might feel the need for a break. You have been super busy writing and living life to the fullest…why not enjoy your holiday and when you come back see if you feel motivated to return to blogging? Your voice and blog presence are valued by many readers as you can see here in the comments but ultimately the decision is yours.
Enjoy your trip!
A random(!) collection of thoughts that ocurred to me while reading your post:
– There seems to arise a certain conflict between the "life of the mind" and the "rest"; and being free to dedicate more time and energy to non-academic activities does not necessarily reduce the desire to exercise those intellectual capacities it has taken us so much to acquire.
– This "rest" is not limited to the "domestic", but also includes various forms of creativity that had to be stifled during professional life in academia.
– In our feminist discouse we maintained that "the private is political", that the work mostly done by women deserves recognition in the public and political spheres. It not surprising, then, that it should also be one of the subjects of a woman's blog.
– Every now and then you bring up "larger goals and/or values" – those are the posts the elicit long and rich debates.
– If you feel that you are spending too much energy on the blog which you'd rather like to put to other uses, have you thought about posting less often? Like, for example, once a week?
And of course I agree with everybody else here:
A. It's your blog.
B. Don't leave us! 😉
Yes, you've got your finger on the nexus of my concerns: they're probably all founded in my feminist conviction that "the personal is the political" — and I'm somewhat of a maternal feminist, I guess, so I want to hold the domestic up to the light but without dissolving into it.
Do what works for you and you will be happy. Discovery is complex but all so worthwhile. Enjoy your discovery phases. My sentiments: Life is an adventure and change is a given. All the best, Susan
Random is what makes it so interesting and engaging. There's always something here to intrigue and peak our interests.
slf
Wherever your inclinations take you is a good path. Nothing stops us from leaving a project and starting again if it feels right. Uneven is good. Life is irregular and energy and inspiration even more so. Enjoy your holiday!
Much of the time, life is made up of random moments. I like reading posts about the quotidian aspects of life.
It's interesting and thought-provoking to read this post. Husband and I discuss, more often than we used to, what retirement might look like. I have a few projects in mind (one includes writing), but I'm also looking forward to the days when it's raining and I want to stay in my robe and drink tea with a book to hand by the fire instead of running off to some pre-scheduled activity. I know that some structure is needed, but I'm hoping it will grow organically.
Have a wonderful trip to Scotland.
I know you know this, but I sometimes despair at what I read on-line. Maybe that's overstating a bit, but silly, poorly written hyperbole gets me down. And I begin to wonder what the heck I'm doing contributing to that canon of crap that is the Internet, and think I should abandon blogging. Then I read a post you've written on books or bread or your favourite Vince (?) boots… or existential musing over retirement… and I feel better. I think, there IS value in blogging, look at Frances and what she's writing, and how beautiful her words are and the conversation she elicits in her readers. It's your blog and others like Annie's (No Hat No Gloves) and Lisa's (Privilege) that remind me that blogging can be about the writing. So make your blog whatever you want, as regular or irregular or random as you please… we want to read whatever you want to write. Just don't go away, okay? xo
Other commenters have said it before me–your writing and sketching are a gift. It matters not if the subject ranges from intellectual pursuits to baking bread to opening the eyes of your grandchildren to beauty, your slant on a life lived well is an authentic (beginning to dislike that word) voice and vision of one whose interests are mercifully diverse. That is what makes you interesting and keeps us coming back.
Random is very good, and yours is one of a tiny number of blogs I read, so I would be thrilled if you kept posting. I'm trying to imagine what it must have been like for you retiring from a job that gave you identity, and I can see that blogging is a way of re-stating or affirming an identity. Not something I've experienced – I disliked my "career", felt that my identity was crushed rather than affirmed by my work context, and am heartily glad to be shot of it. Now into a second career, I love it, but don't feel that my identity is tied to it. It's all very complicated, isn't it?! But it would be a great pleasure to open my laptop in the morning and still find a new post from you.
Random is excellent,your conversations are hugely valued.
I'm coming late to the conversation but I just wanted to echo many of the views expressed by others. It's your blog and of course it's entirely up to you whether you want to continue in a similar or different vein, or not at all. You would definitely be missed if you stopped blogging altogether.
Have you ever attended a Pecha Kucha event? They originated in Japan and are held in many cities worldwide. In short, a variety of speakers talk for approximately six minutes each (20 slides, 20 seconds per slide) over the course of an evening. I attended a local event the other night and topics ranged from the politicisation of hair to digital art installations to social enterprise projects. The audience is always supportive and I go home at the end feeling inspired and uplifted. I feel that there are parallels with your blog – I never know what's coming next but I know it will be interesting, well-written and very often thought provoking, sparking comments from your readers. I hope this makes sense, it's been a challenging day! Wilma D
Just know, your musings have helped to inspire this soon to be retiree (December 21). While I comment more on Instagram than here, I always look forward to your posts, to read about what you are reading, knitting, baking, where you are traveling and all the other interesting things going on in your life. If that is the life of a Nana, bring it on!! I am a fan!
I feel that after 11 years you get to call the shots on your own creative venue! If you would like to write about quotidian things, think of how history will thank you 🙂 But I totally hear you about identity and not wanting to utilize one specific vehicle to enshrine it in veracity… I don't know why I've never written a book (except short stories and that was for credit). Maybe one day I will – or maybe I'll just use my well-earned time in retirement to have all of the fun experiences I can imagine. 🙂