I have over-extended myself in Social Media this past few days, and although I rarely get controversial on this blog, I need to explain something to you in the interest of authenticity and some on-line consistency.
Over the weekend, my sister posted a link on Facebook. The link was to an obituary of the priest who targeted her when she was 11, began grooming her for the sexual abuse that began when she was 13 (I wrote and then deleted several paragraphs here explaining chronology, context, family life, etc. — in fact, you’ll seethe abuseis amatter of public record. If you enter the priest’s name in any search engine, you’ll quickly confirm my sister’s accusations, my claims here. Yet the obituary provides a rather laudable narrative, describes a bright, personable pastor with many gifts (albeit a disturbingly suggestive geography of moves). Edited to correct the links.
In light of the recent, horrifying news out of Pennsylvania (300 priests! 1000 victims!), this whitewashing suggests that the Church is still sweeping the truth under a huge ecclesiastical carpet — to any victims of this priest who haven’t yet disclosed his abuse of them, an obituary like this makes it seem even less likely that they’ll be believed.
Indignant that an abuser could be so easily transformed into a “Reverend” again, the survivors’ injuries negated, I’m not the only sister who added a comment in the form provided. The site indicated that my comment would be “made visible once approved.” Our comments are so far being blocked; a very pious and laudatory comment, on the other hand, has since been allowed. At least it provides great amusement in its note that the priest’s “lessons on moral theology are still in-bedded, and being put to good use, all these years later.” The mind boggles — in-bedded/embedded. Mis-spelling? Freudian slip? Hmmmm
Trying to keep this story short, I will just say that I shared my sister’s concerns that this obituary further exemplified the Church’s silencing of survivors of abuse at the hands of its priests. I shared them — and then I shared them. On Facebook (where I mostly limit friends to people I’ve met, personally) and on Twitter (which I scarcely use anymore as @materfam, but which seems to be the best platform for this kind of work) — and then the good social media friends, that I’ve met and that I’ve only just been introduced to virtually, that Social Media “it takes a village” — the word began spreading. I spent yesterday watch a small tsunami of support gathering momentum and I’m not sure that the newspaper concerned is going to address the issue. But it may be that an era of protected secrecy is ending. . .
So I’m feeling exhilarated and hopeful and buoyed by gratitude with regular interjections of indignation and dismay. But I’m also feeling jangled, nerve-frazzled, pumped with adrenaline, unable to settle down, anxious. I’ve been checking my Twitter notifications far too often, scrolling through Facebook posts (all those jokes and ads and news alerts), IM’ing my sisters. . . and right now, some symptoms are indicating that I need to step back a bit, put the laptop and the cellphone away for a few hours — except for the Meditation app I downloaded last week and have been finding very helpful.
We’re spending the days with a granddaughter this week, and I know that will help get the cortisol levels back where they belong. Your comments are very welcome, but I’m not sure when I’ll respond to them. The next post here is most likely to be full of soothing garden photos . . . Oh, and I did post a few book recommendations over on the reading blog.
Your sister was very brave to speak out about the abuse. It is deplorable that the Catholic Church (or any other Church) is still covering up these episodes.
Yes, the light always casts out the darkness and the more light shone on these institutions the better. I say institutions because it is not only in churches. I attended public schools in the US and it existed there and still exists. All we were told (even by my best friends mother) was "Never stay after school with Mr. Ball". Also, the track coach got one of the high school team members pregnant, many blamed her. I hope this will be rooted out throughout all society.
Yes, putting the responsibility on the potential victims is an old tactic. I share your hope. . .
This is horrible,Frances,and completely uncceptable and intolerable that abusers are rehabilitated,that church (or other institutions)is covering up the truth, their crimes are hidden again and again and they are free to abuse children (or any other vulnerable victims,but especially children)again
Your sister is a very brave woman -we all should support the truth and justice
Dottoressa
Yes, the crime itself is bad, but then to cover it up so that future crimes are likely seems just as bad.
Your brave, brave sister. All love and courage to her. The fearless support of her siblings, who are shining a further light on the cockroaches who commit these crimes against children, and who richly deserve public shaming, not accolades upon death, must mean the world to her.
The church makes me sick in their protection of criminals….
The cortisol is pumping through you in relation to the fierce defense of your sister and it takes a toll. But, what a lucky woman your sister is to have you and other family support. Battle causes wounds but your wounds for acting out for her and her cause are so worthwhile. I can completely, to my bones, understand how it has exhausted you.
A few days of a young person's energy and wonder of the world is just what the doctor ordered.
Please send my support and love to your sister. Her bravery in outing AND outing, again, that bast*rd, deserves a medal.
Take care of you, too, Frances. My love to you, also,for being such a good sister. A.in London
Thanks so much, Ali.
Your sister is very brave and I commend her. I have been a cradle Catholic and a former lay missionary in Latin American. When the first abuses came to light, around the early 2000's, I wept. Then I stopped going to church altogether. Mostly due to my outrage of what had occurred but I also experienced a lack of support from my parish priest while going through a painful divorce. Eventually my marriage was annulled and I remarried in a civil ceremony.
I had begun to go back to my church about 1 year ago, and even began the process to have a Catholic marriage ceremony. And now this…I don't know how to process it. I don't know if I will return to the church. I cannot begin to imagine what your sister experienced but I feel her anger and outrage nonetheless.
Teri
I share your pain at the loss of so much I miss about church-going, about the culture, family history, rituals. . .
Keep speaking out, Frances. You and your sister are doing a service to others.
I can only add my words of support for you and your sister to those above. I hope your message is heard far and wide. Will there ever be an end to the cover-up and protectiveness?
Frances in Sidney
we can hope . . . and take our own small actions toward that end. . .
Sometimes it's imperative to step out and confront evil. I am so sorry for the anguish caused by this man and the Church to your family, and I am sickened by the endemic cover up by the institution. You are brave.
I pray that your day with your granddaughter will provide the calm respite and restoration that you need.
You and your sister are both so brave, and so articulate. I hope that newspaper is at least feeling some qualms. And I also wish you lots of love and play with the Little.
Now livng in Pennsylvania, former Catholic, horrified again and again. It may give you a bit of strange comfort to go on the Bishopsacvountability website and read about some of the Catholic nuns, priests, and lay people who fought hard all over the US to bing cases to light of clergy rape of children. Most were fired, demoted, or transferred, but it helped me to know about Catholics who risked their careers and reputations to try to protect children. .
It really does seem as though there is traction, now, with the action of good people within the Church. Let's hope this can make a difference eventually. . .
Your sister is brave indeed. The same abuse of children by clergy has happened here in Australia, so many cover ups and so many victims suiciding, the perpetrators should
face court and be given prison sentences
absolutely. never mind "sins"; these are crimes. . .
Thank you for speaking up. For your bravery in putting yourself out there. My admiration for you is enormous. You and your sister are examples of what doing the – RIGHT THING – is. Enjoy the company and comfort of your granddaughter.
Ali
Your sister is very brave indeed. Wherever there is power without control, as in many hierarchical institutions, there is abuse. Churches, boarding schools, the penal system, sports clubs, the military… Speaking up is the right thing to do, but I imagine how hard it can be. All the greater is my admiration for both of you.
So true — this is not just a church problem. . .
Wishing your sister (and you) continued strength and peace. Such a horrible experience for a young girl who was violated not only physically, but spiritually. To find that she is still experiencing a total lack of compassion by other Catholic connections in later life is as disturbing and sickening as the abuse of the priest.
Yes, the violation was not at all just a physical one. Spiritual and emotional as well. . .
Adding my words of support for you and your sister. You are very brave and your message needs to be heard. Thank you for speaking up.
Suz from Vancouver
My goodness Frances – the bravery of your sister after that appalling suffering. The brushing under the carpet and looking the other way of the church – sickening. All credit to you using social media to help end the blanket of silence.
Thank you for doing the work of speaking up, and forcing this issue in to the light. Your sister is a brave woman, especially to have to keep fighting over and over again.
She's found it impossible to put down, almost 40 years later.
I’d like to agree with Dottoressa, she has described how I feel, so well. I can imagine how totally “wired” something like this will have you feeling. Spending some social media free days with your granddaughter seems a good antidote…. and as the saying goes “a balm for the soul” Take care,
Rosie
It's really helpis to have a legitimate reason to turn away from that cause for now and toward my grandchildren. . .
Thank you for caring enough to write this and be involved – and your brave sister too . And sorry the payoff is feeling jangled – I hope you feel
Loved and supported here .
– the cover up by the Church – I can hardly type that – enjoy your grandchildren xxx
I have to admit that my jangled nerves are a small cost, in the big picture, but I'm responsible for my own health, so . . .
Homage to your and your sister's past acts of courage, and wishing you yet more courage in the future, as institutions (not just the Catholic church, but secular schools and boarding schools) try to cover up the traces of the past.
Thank you! Institutions are made up of individuals, so one has to hope that individuals can effect change to them through their/our actions. . .
Sometimes you really need to make a stand. And your sister's continuing courage should be applauded, not tutted over. It is precisely that attitude that abusers rely on. Hope the adrenaline is beginning to seep away, good job now done.
Thanks for the support. There's still lots of work to be done, but for now I feel as if I've done my little part. . . (my sister seems indefatigable!)
Your actions are extremely important and much needed. The priest who preyed on girls in my high school, Thomas Carolan OFM, was simply transferred. Decades later a newspaper published and account of a series of meetings he had with an adult woman whom he paid for sexual encounters- but there was nothing about his activities with minors in his parish. He died several years ago.
Yet another instance — it seems unending! My sister is the local contact for SNAP (network of those abused by priests), and the work she's done in this last round of news and social media response has already brought several survivors out of their closets, letting them know they're not alone, that there's support.
I have been very behind the times with my blog reading F. I am so truly sorry that your sister had that experience and I applaud her for her tremendous courage. xo This shit has to stop.
PS: I'm not on Facebook so I haven't seen these links, just fyi.