A run on Friday morning, while the rain held off . . . spirit-lifting!
Our condo kitchen has had its guts ripped out in preparation for installation of new Ikea cabinetry, badly-needed new sink and counters. So I had to go out for breakfast. After having marked papers from 6:30 to 8, I thought I deserved a treat. . . Vancouver’s Thierry cafe on Alberni street provided that in the form of a gorgeous puff pastry apple tart, eaten outside so that I could people-watch as I read the paper, sipping a perfect coffee while sheltered from the rain. . . .
Despite the rain and the stacks of marking, then, you can see I’ve been fitting in some small pleasures. Somehow, though, sadness or fatigue welled up yesterday, and I was more than dismayed to find myself overwhelmed by unstoppable tears hour after hour, while sunshine warmed the crisp autumn air just outside. All sorts of possible reasons, and I don’t want to dwell here, but it seems important to register that all is not hopping from one treat to another. There is some Real behind the blog’s Busy Glitter, and while I’m sure you have enough of your own Real that I won’t trouble you with mine, neither do I want to suggest that any of us live perfect lives.
Yesterday afternoon, Paul finally convinced me to try a bike ride as a way of moving past the sadness. It turned out to be a good thing, despite my swollen face and the occasional tears insisting their way down my cheeks. Gradually, my brain stopped hamster-wheeling over the same troubles, and I concentrated on the burn in my quads as we climbed little hills, on the need to change gears as we powered down their other sides. We stopped at a dockside restaurant for fish and chips, a glass of bubbly for me, beer for him, and got home tired and happier. I’m still not all the way there, but working toward it…
This afternooon we’re all (13 of us including 3 little girls!) meeting at our oldest daughter’s for Thanksgiving dinner — balm to the spirits, for sure.
For now, it’s back to the marking. I’m wishing you and me a Happy Sunday!
Happy Thanksgiving, then, has a special meaning for you. xoxox. I wonder, have you ever looked at this post? It might resonate, and the young woman is so talented. Maybe it helps to see the feelings shared by the brilliant? If not, then I just send more hugs.
hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html
Thanks, Lisa. I have seen this before. I look at it and am grateful I've never felt as bad for such an extended period, and then I wonder and how clearly I want to draw a line. Fear of depression is almost as potent as the depression itself. Thanks for the hugs.
Have a great Thanksgiving dinner. And maybe with several marking forays…interspersed with treats…that pile of essays will melt away. That's not everything, of course…but it's still something:)
This is true. And it's the something I can look after, for now. Not quite melted (there were 3 piles. 2/13 are done), but almost. . . .Hope yours was a yummy Thanksgiving!
Have a happy time with your family! The outing to Thierry seems like a Paris sort of experience. So many feel the sadness that comes from nowhere and the anxiety but hopefully the moods vanish as quickly as they appear.
I hope it vanishes as well, and the family time certainly helps. I think you'd enjoy Thierry if you get downtown.
I hope your big Thanksgiving family feast is a grand time.
I still don't have my laptop out or a place to set it, for that matter, so I have been following on my iPhone – makes commenting labour intensive. I I've the Busy Glitter side to your blog, but truly appreciate the Real side too. I have so many thoughts on retirement and wanted to comment, but time and over-used thumbs got in the way.
May those little girls provide that balm for the soul today – it's what I count on for myself!
I find commenting from my (Android) phone just too frustrating — really appreciate you taking the time today, especially when I know you must be busy with your move. I hope we get a chance to sit down and really chat someday, over tea or wine. So many things I look forward to that retirement is being to look increasingly attractive,
I'm awash in grading while still mourning my father's death. Bleak thoughts about why I thought I needed to work in the hospital and hospice, but also understanding my love and commitment to my students. Balance is tough especially in times of change.
I hope it was a lovely dinner and the three little ones brightened your day.
Lynn
Lynn, I'm so sorry. Balance really is a challenge. It sounds as though the students and your commitment to them provides you with some of that right now, even though they draw down on your already low energy. Do take care of yourself as well as of your students.
"….tears insisting their way down my cheeks…" Exactly, and what beautiful language. Hope this is the end of your current sadness tunnel, warmest wishes for a better tomorrow.
ceci
Thanks, Ceci. One day at a time, right?
Glitter and tears – love the images you've used of the moods of life. I'm hoping that your time with family eases the ache and brings a measure of joy. Your apple tart breakfast looks absolutely delicious – well earned after a run. Rain and drizzle here today. Feels like autumn all of a sudden.
Hard not to feel joy when laughing with an almost 6 and her almost-2 cousin. And holding the 2-month old helped in no small measure, as you can imagine. We're home now, and had the woodstove going for the first time this fall.
None of our lives are without struggles. I hope you're feeling. A bit more chipper very soon and had a nice Thanksgiving with your family. I've found great support and wise advice from my blog friends so know that we all understand. Sending warm wishes for a brighter day tomorrow. xo
Thanks, Jennifer. So glad you had some rejuvenating time at Tofino with your daughter. It's magical up on that Coast, isn't it?!
I feel very sorry for you. Being torn in many different directions by work and family is reason enough to melt down from time to time. Add to that a kitchen out of order and, looming in the background, winter coming on with its cold and darkness. You did the best you could do, I think: getting out for a treat as often as possible.
I wish you a happy day with your familiy, and get well soon!
Thanks, Eleonore. The fire in the woodstove today and a rousing chicken curry have gone a ways to reconciling me to the season. Now if I could only have a few days to hibernate . . .
Happy Thanksgiving! And I hope the tears are easing a bit; it is all a bit much and I surely don't know the half of it, but the kitchen alone, and pending changes can all seem overwhelming at times. Hold onto the bits of glitter, and all those warm loving moments you can muster; it seems life is never easy, and I suspect your readers are all wise enough to sympathize with the flow, both turbulent and calm.
I hope you're feeling better soon. All the best.
Bile rides in nature and family time, balm indeed! I have seen many friends and family members make marked progress in decreasing the severity and frequency of their bouts, via various approaches, and ardently wish the same for you. This is my flaw: I want a fix rather than 'going with the flow'… which is not to downplay the complexity and nature of depression and the relief of a break in the clouds.